Newsroom
Felix Cartwright
Sport & Fine Margins Correspondent
Felix Cartwright reports on contests decided by inches, officials, and moments of avoidable brilliance. He has watched more replays than live events and considers this the correct ratio.
Like the experts it quotes, the Everyone Clapped newsroom is a fictional device. No real journalist is depicted.
Filed by
Reports by Felix Cartwright
Senior Officer Defends Plan To Advance Slowly Toward Opposing Position
A senior commander operating from a comfortable distance has defended a "bold new strategic initiative" that, on inspection, is identical to every previous initiative, namely climbing out of the trench and walking slowly toward the enemy.
Government Employee Declines All Breaks During Unusually Demanding Shift
A counter-terrorism agent has logged a continuous shift spanning a full working day without rest periods, meal breaks or a single recorded handover, prompting renewed questions about overtime culture in the public sector.
Employee Preparation Routine Draws More Attention Than Event Itself
A professional's pre-event preparation, carried out to a piece of music, has attracted considerably more public discussion than the event it was intended to prepare him for, prompting questions about whether the warm-up has now become the main attraction.
Local Performer Stakes Soul In High-Risk Contract Against Better-Resourced Rival
A self-employed musician has defended entering a one-round performance contest in which the prize was a gold instrument and the personal collateral was, by his own account, his soul.